30 Second Confessions

To this day, the best and most effective diet I’ve ever been on was the one where I didn’t eat and I drank the entire island of Cuba.

See, I went away to college and gained the regrettable and inevitable "Freshman 15." And, I had already put on some weight after quitting dance my junior year of high school, so by the time my first collegiate year was over I was pretty chubby.

But then I realized how gross I was being, eating whole bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and shoving truckloads of ice cream straight from the tub to my face while I was stoned off my ass (I don’t even like ice cream…).

So I decided to do something about it. I started eating better and running in excess, and it worked! I started to lose weight! I ate even better and ran even more and then I also started this whole “not eating” diet. It worked even better! I lost even more weight!

So, I got pretty thin. It was awesome. I was insane and possessed and in a perpetual state of inebriation followed by intense dehydration but godddamn I looked good.

But then I got hungry so after like two years I finally ate a saltine and my body was like "WAT IZ THIS MAGICAL FRUIT???" and I immediately gained some of that weight back and I keep trying to give it back to the universe but my body is like, "NNNNOO! NEVER! I'M KEEPING THE SALTINE, YOU EVIL BITCH!"

Basically, one day I consumed something other than nine beers and Camel Crush cigarettes and my body held onto that shit and hasn’t let it go since.

The moral of the story is, I will never be as skinny, or as hungry, as I used to be.

And as fucked up as it is, sometimes that makes me sad. But then I just think about the Skeptical Third World Kid, and he puts it all into perspective for me.

Vanity is a lifelong addiction.

menace 2 society

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.
- Socrates, 469 - 399 B.C.

Clearly, public opinion of young people hasn’t changed since 399 B.C.

Looking back on a previous post I wrote about today’s youth (Gen Y vs. The World), I’m slightly disappointed that I didn’t aptly illustrate my point. It was much too convoluted when in reality, it’s so simple.

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Negative Nancy

“If you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second-to-least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.”
- Stephen King
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Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. I’m anxious to lose my virginity just because.

I’m 17 and a junior. But I’m not talking to anyone nor am I in a relationship and I’ve never been in one before.

When am I ever going to lose it?! There’s no way I’m going to college a virgin. I barely want to be a virgin right now.

My friends aren’t. Although I doubt they even do it right.

Anyways, I think about it entirely too much. If I’d go on the pill, where, how, who?

I think about diseases and getting tested. Would I? Should I? What if I get a disease and can’t ever do it again? Or worse - what if my vagina isn’t normal? Healthy?

What’s wrong with me? God. Why do I think about this stuff? Am I the only one?

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20 Times I Really, Really Loved Life

1. When I thanked the human race for their contributions

2. When I had this PSA for FSU bus drivers & my mom was super proud

3. When I took the time to really appreciate the start of my day

4. When I reflected fondly on a great semester

5. When I used driving as my time to meditate

6. When I took responsibility for my emotions

7. When I rode the runner's endorphin high

8. When I found inner peace and a way to cope with my anxiety

9. When I embraced popular trends

10. When I understood how to be politically correct in the work-place

11. When the positivity of others lifted my spirits

12. When I made friends with others who shared my love for fitness

13. When I appreciated how far we've come technologically

14. When I adhered to the practice of always showing the customer the utmost respect

 15. When I didn't let a little inconvenience spoil my mood

16. When I forgave & forgot

17. When I appreciated the diversity of my friends on social media

18. When I went jet-setting and made friends on the plane

19. When I understood the meaning of romance in relationships

20. And finally, when I moved to the Bible Belt & embraced the lifestyle with dignity &  grace

Untitled I

I didn’t grow up poor. I mean, I wasn’t rich by any means. My family was just, normal. We always had food in the pantry; we took modest vacations during the summer, lived on a cul-de-sac. All that jazz.

So I don’t really know why I started stealing toilet paper from my job.

One day I was running late for work and when I went to pee before leaving, I noticed there wasn’t anything left on the roll. I checked under the sink for more. Nothing. I checked the cabinets, the linen closet, and for some reason, the kitchen. Still nothing. There wasn’t a square to be found in my apartment.

When I got to the office I headed straight to the bathroom and stuffed a roll into my purse without thinking. After that, it kind of just became this weekly thing I did. Monday morning would arrive and I’d show up to work with a gym bag.

Tracy, our receptionist, would be all, “Maggie how’s that new gym you signed up for? You look great! I can already see a difference.”

And I’d say, “Oh, it’s so great! They have an indoor track and a sauna. It’s really just about making healthy choices, you know?”

And then I’d go to the bathroom and fill my empty gym bag with stolen toilet paper.

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Beautiful Humans - Thank You

Exactly one year ago today I posted my first (and so far my only) short story, “Ellipses,” on this blog. The day it went up I got 17 views. The second day, 56. It tapered off very quickly after that and, for the whole month of October 2014, "Ellipses" raked in a total of 103 viewers.

A lot has changed in a year...

Yesterday I did something that apparently most people find strange, which was ripping out my own broken, disgusting, aching, bleeding, heart and making fun of the most painful situation I’ve been in thus far in my short life. Not only that, in the midst of my little joke, I (hopefully) insulted obnoxious-in-love couples on social media, and involved the perpetrator of my broken heart - my ex boyfriend.

Your reactions were hilarious. I received a few confused but supportive texts. Some thought it was insensitive to involve Andrew (I asked him if he was okay with it, not that it’s his say OR anyone else’s goddamn business. But still.). A few of you were highly uncomfortable.

I gladly welcomed all of them. Posting that entry was extremely therapeutic for me, and as the title suggests, the only way I’m going to get through this god-awful fucking ordeal is to laugh...in between hysterically ugly-crying. And being drunk.

And writing.

I broke my record for views in a day with yesterday’s post at 222 views.

Previously, my record was 193 for “I Said Yes,” (you guys are really loving my stuff when I’m miserable. I’m not sure whether I should be insulted or flattered), and before that, 93 for “Dark Matter” (Okay so you wanna read about broken hearts and sex. Got it.).

The moment I saw that number, I admittedly felt immense joy. Three years ago I didn’t even want to start this blog, and I’m pretty sure my first entry was called “The First of Many Meaningless and Unread Posts,” or something equally cheery.

So with that said, I want to take a moment and do something rare, which is be serious. And (wait for it) nice. So here goes -

I want to thank any and everyone who has ever read a single thing from Stuff.

For anyone who has ever reached out to me to let me know they liked what I wrote; some of you I barely even know or talk to.

Thank you to everyone who said kind things, gave me constructive criticism, or politely disagreed with my opinion / something I wrote.

Thank you to the Miami-based artists who gave my words another dimension.

To those of you whom I’ve never even met but you somehow found my blog - you’re fucking awesome. To ya’ll that comment, like, and share my stuff - I love you.

For those who challenged and continue to challenge me; for those who pester me when I haven’t posted anything in a long time; for those who constantly encourage and support me - Thank you.

And lastly, thank you to the person who shall remain nameless for pushing and pushing me until I finally created this thing that I didn’t even believe in at first.

Before Stuff, I had never, ever, let anyone read things I wrote, nor did I share anything. Like my feelings and emotions, I kept everything hidden away in boxes - Concealed. Protected. Guarded.

Since Stuff, I’ve collaborated with artists, read original poetry to a room full of strangers, and become a better and more confident writer (I lost the air-quotes. Ballsy move, I know).

This blog is still small, with probably an even smaller reach. The stats may not seem like a big deal, but I assure ya’ll that it is, and means, much more than a number. And it is a big deal.

My only hope is to keep writing things that people will find honest, whatever that entails is up to you. Whether it’s sadness, heartache, anger, laughter, empathy - whatever. I just hope you feel something.

“You have to make your reputation on being honest and, you know, unmerciful.” – Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs / Almost Famous

“You have to make your reputation on being honest and, you know, unmerciful.” – Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs / Almost Famous

THANK YOU all for being awesome. You have no idea how much it means to me, and how much it’s saving me right now. I’ll keep ‘em coming as best as I can (insert standard sex joke here).

Who knows, I might even self-publish a book one day soon…