and maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.
this is old and was written shortly after the great Thanksgiving incident of 2017, which you can read about in great detail HERE. I am not a video editor and thus I relied on a free app from the Google Store to help make this, so don’t judge me.
Yeah, I’m talking to you.
Remember when we set each other’s souls on fire?
Remember $10 boxes from Pizza Hut?
Remember study dates at Strozier and the white sand of the volleyball court just outside your front door?
Remember “Brave” and blankets and searching for each other’s hands beneath the covers?
I’m not that girl anymore.
I’m not in college. I’m not 22 and falling in love for the first time. I’m not quite so naive.
I’m not a lot of things anymore.
But I’m okay with that. Because that’s Life. And Life is inevitable. It happens whether or not we like it.
Ready or not, here it comes.
You’re not the You I fell in love with, either. You’re not so innocent yourself.
But you already knew that, didn’t you.
You’re different. We both are.
But I still like me, even if you don’t anymore.
And (against my better judgment), I still love you, even if I don’t like you anymore.
You don’t make it easy to; I’m sure I don’t either.
Things aren’t like they were when we’d wake up at noon and eat shitty frozen food from Winn Dixie and skip class and only concern ourselves with when the next EDM show was and if we’d be able to swallow drugs and dance the night away.
Things change. Life happens.
Now there are careers. There are finances and pets and pet peeves.
Now there’s baggage and hurt and doubt.
Now, there is resentment.
Now it’s five years later and The Beginning seems like several lifetimes ago.
I’ve never wanted to share my life with someone I hated so much before.
Is this what Love really is, when it’s stripped down?
Whatever it is, it’s a very disorienting sensation.
I am vulnerable and sad and uncertain and scared. And I hate it.
I want to pull you in close to me so I can hold you and smell you and then push you away. Before you have the chance to hurt me again in that way only you can do.
You do it so well.
I’m terrified to lose you.
Not because i wouldn’t be okay on my own or with some other faceless guy.
But because I can’t bring myself to throw away everything we’ve built.
Everything we’ve been through and come out of and everything we said we’d do together.
Love each other.
Because I can’t bring myself to believe that this isn’t real and good and right.
But that’s the thing. I don’t know what the “right” decision is. I’m not sure I ever will.
All I know is that I’m not that girl anymore.
I’m not the girl walking into your apartment to play beer pong,
or the one standing outside of The Strip letting you kiss me.
I’m not the same girl you fell in love with.
I’ll never be that girl again.
And I can live with that.
The question is: Can you?